Thursday, January 2, 2014

So Close, so Real

It has been a while since I've had a night where sleep hasn't come easy. I am thankful for the rest I've had, especially the much-needed deep sleep without waking too often in the night.  It's funny how I find myself back to where I was with very young babies, wondering if I will ever sleep again . . .
My mind just cannot compute that it is just 12 days until we head to Calgary to fly to Africa.  Granted, we are not falling off the face of the earth, but Rwanda??? Wow, all I can say is its been quite a journey.  

So, an update on where we are at:  no, no renters yet.  When we first listed our house, I sensed we would have to say "no" to someone.  We did that today.  Thankfully, our teens and Kim and I were all sensing the same thing, so when the references did not come back positive, there was no hesitation.  I am relieved, but . . . still choosing to trust, even when my mind screams something different.  We are working hard at packing up the house.  When we finish deciding on what stays or goes, I will sift through our growing "Rwanda" pile and choose the essentials for the 10 crates, 2 normal and 2 oversize suitcases.  There will also be our 7 carry-on suitcases and 7 backpacks to fill.  We will also have our "wish list" suitcases to be brought with teams at later times.  With the house cleared out and furniture beginning to go, the move is real.  The kids, especially our second youngest, are feeling the strain.  Time is running out to squeeze in "one more visit".  Kim is in a bit of a daze.  His livelihood of the past 18 years has been willingly laid down.  Preparing for change is hard for anyone, but the enormity of what we are doing it is almost paralyzing.  As for me . . .I honestly don't know how to answer when people ask me how I am doing.  I know that the strength that is keeping me going forward is truly from God.  There's no way I could handle any of this on my own.  It's hard to see the sadness in my friend's eyes . . .and hard to hear of the plans for the rest of January onward--after we leave.  

Where do we go from here?  I was so encouraged by a book I read, "Love Has a Face" by Michele Perry (thanks, Lynn, for recommending it:).  What stood out to me was the difference between taking on responsibility and walking in response-ability.  I've been trained to be "good" and "responsible", and have taken on the weight of responsibility without fully understanding the repercussions.   Is God truly asking us to be "responsible" (bearing the weight on our own)?   If so, I would surely be crushed.  The author pointed out that perhaps we are called more to respond to God--His leading, directing and prompting--and step out with His "ability" in obedience.  What's the difference?  By waiting on God, we are surrendering our timing, our control, our very selves, to wait for God to direct us to be His hands and feet.  At the same time, we are no longer carrying the weight of the results or our view of perfection, but trusting in an Almighty God who sees the heart . . .and the end result!  

Taking it back to exactly where I sit tonight, I am to trust the God will show me what needs to be done, day by day and choose to respond in obedience.  Running ahead and taking it all on my shoulders won't benefit anything, neither would ignoring God's voice and staying in bed all day accomplish what needs to be done.  

Philippians 4:13. I can do ALL things through Christ who gives me strength. 

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