Beyond What I Feel

Life is absolutely crazy right now.  I have never been busier, never been so stretched, never been more scared,  never been more excited and never been more at peace.  Without a doubt, this is the most radical thing we have ever done.  However, in the midst of it all, there's a peace that truly passes ALL understanding.  It's been unwavering, engulfing and complete--despite the craziness we've been experiencing.

I was asked how I am doing emotionally.  Well . . .terrified, excited, overwhelmed, joyous, petrified, amazed, humbled, inadequate, (did I mention really scared?)  all come to mind within seconds of each other.  Beyond that, deep down there's a certainty and peace that our family is exactly where we need to be right now.  Has it been easy?  No, not at all.  We are being stretched beyond what is even close to comfortable.  Worth it?  Yes.

What is this doing to our faith?  We are being stripped of our security and dependency on ourselves.  I am finding that every breath is a prayer as I reach out to God to give me wisdom, strength, peace, etc.   As I am forced into a position of complete reliance on Him, I am learning to trust and rest like never before.  Surrender is a little easier as I recognize that a life given over to the hands of God brings joy, peace . . .and adventure like never before.

My children are sharing hopes, dreams and vision in incredible new ways.  Miracles are unfolding before our eyes!  

Now what?  The days until departure are quickly melting away.  Rwanda is calling our name, but the "to do" list still feels overwhelming, and we are being pushed to the limit.  We are finding ourselves surrounded by love and support and feel very humbled to be a part of such a giving community that will enable us to impact people around the world. While leaving our community and church will be the most difficult, we know that God has plans for us, plans to prosper us and not to harm us, plan for our hope and future.

Identity

The tops of my cupboards look especially bare.  The collection that had filled in this gaps for so many years is now either packed or set aside to be sold. As I wrapped the last of my teapots, I couldn't help but feel like I was losing a bit of my identity.  Since getting married, I have collected teapots.  It was a unique collection with a story that always brought a smile to my face.  Now, with Rwanda looming, this collection won't be any good collecting dust or sitting in boxes.  The time had come to let it go.

"Letting go" has become commonplace.  Letting go of some things--like the teapots--has come easier than expected.  However, letting go of other things have defined us have been incredibly difficult.  For example, Kim has always been the "eavestrough guy".  Letting go of his job and identity (despite having AMAZING men to take over) has been very hard.  

For me, letting go of the homeschool support group over a year ago started a transition that has been hard.  I loved being able to be a resource and connector for homeschoolers. However, it was not something I could continue with.  I learned through that time that sometimes a God will ask you to let go of things that you love, or ask you to lay something down when it's going well.  This is where it can be challenging.  How much easier it is to let something go when it's already tough! The challenge goes deeper when you feel your identity is wrapped up in whatever it is you are being asked to surrender.  

I suppose a deeper question with that is looking at where our identity actually lies.  If I allow my identity to be wrapped up only in what I do, I am limiting what I CAN do.  If I only see myself as a homeschool support group leader, what happens when I am moved elsewhere?  What if my identity is in what I own?  Honestly, that is only stuff--things that are temporal and easily raced.  Even if I place my identity in who I am, it can be short-term and unclear (who I was as a teen? Who I think I am? Who I want to be?). So where can my identity be?  

When it comes down to the heart of the matter, what matters most to me is being who God wants me to be and allowing Him to direct my steps.  Right now, it will be serving Him wherever I am planted and not limiting myself to how I see myself. It's surrender, letting go and choosing to trust God like we've never trusted Him before . . .and it is good.

As for the teapot collection?  Well, next week we will be auctioning the teapots off in hopes of raising more funds for Rwanda.  The story?  Well, in Kim's family, however many teapots a bride gets in her wedding showers and on her wedding day, that's how many children she will have.  I ended up getting eight.  So I decided to break the tradition & start a collection.  I ended up with over one hundred!  Hmm, we will be caring for orphans and ministering to local children . . .maybe there's more to these teapots then I realize . . .

Face to the Wind

I can still remember that feeling of terror and helplessness when I realized my oldest was missing.  At 3 years of age, Nathan already demonstrated his sense of adventure.  I was quickly finishing up a sewing project while the kids played in their rooms . . .or so I thought.  When I went to check on them, my girls were playing quietly while the yard gate was wide open and our dog and Nathan were missing.  In the hour that followed, I quickly biked the neighbourhood, called the police and knocked on neighbourhood doors.  It was an astute neighbour who jumped in his truck and soon came back with both my son and dog.  When I asked him him how he knew where Nathan was, he answered, "The wind.  Children won't walk into the wind, but will keep it at their backs."  A brisk wind was blowing from the west and sure enough, my son was headed east, passed the park he had visited.

Today, as I pressed into the wind while walking towards my mom-in-laws, I couldn't help but remember that story.  My youngest struggled beside me, head down, determined to not let a bit if wind and snow keep him from getting to Grandma's house.  With our sights set on the goal ahead, we ploughed  through and soon enjoyed the warmeth of the our destination.  

On our journey of faith, the winds of discouragement are hitting us hard.  Under 2 months, support and money for tickets not in, waves of doubt and uncertainty hitting us from all side, but we can't back down, turn away or hide.  It is this walk, this path, this journey we have been called upon to travel.  The destination is off in the distance, sometimes hidden by clouds, but it is there.  Our job is to take the steps towards this destination with trust in God. 

I am reminded of when the disciples were traveling by boat and a storm took them by surprise.  All alone, they were terrified.  When Jesus walked on the water towards them, I imagine the terror couldn't be greater.  I have to admire Peter for daring to ask Jesus to call him.  As long as Peter remained focused on Jesus, he could do the impossible.  However, when the distraction of the wind and waves turned his attention elsewhere, he began to sink.

By ourselves, this journey is impossible, but with Jesus beckoning us to come, we can't look anywhere but to Him.  If the wind is behind us, beside us or straight in our face, may we not lose focus on the destination ahead of us.

Sticks, stones and planks

The immunization debate is heating up.  With a measles outbreak in our city, accusations are flying back and forth with each side very certain they are right.  At the heart of the debate is the welfare of our children.  I've heard both sides.  Both have valid points, who am I to decide what is right or wrong for a family? I haven't walked the path of a deviating reaction or a serious disease.  

Judgements divide, pitting one side against the other.  They look at someone else and deem them lacking.  In extreme cases, such as the Rwandan genocide, the result is death.  At the very last, there is hurt, division, and an overwhelming sense of inadequacy.  Tragically, the church is not immune to this.  In fact, I have heard it said that the church or Christians can be among the most judgemental people in the world.  Ouch!

At the heart, only God knows our walk with Him, and honestly, isn't that what matters the most?  I have to admit that my view of what a Christian "should" look like has been shaken so much, that I must bow out of offering my opinion.  I am reminded that "The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Samuel 16:7 NLT)

If this isn't tragic enough, what about the comparisons where we look at other and continually find ourselves lacking because we don't look like "so and so"? This judging (only in reverse) is just as dangerous.  God does not want us to look to others to determine our value, worth or spirituality, but look to Him first.  True, leadership and mentor ship is key, but seek out God first and enter into a personal relationship with Him, dig into the Word, commune with Him and trust that He will direct your path.  

Like anyone else, we've faced judgments.  We don't expect everyone to agree with this walk we are on as a family.  It hurts, but it's forced us to really go back to God and seek Him even more.  What I've been struggling with more are those who come and say that they wish they could be like us.  Really?  No!  Please don't try to walk in our shoes when God has so much for you! 

 

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. (Hebrews 12:1 NLT)

God has a specific race or path set for each one of us.  You are not called to run the race set for the Wilson's, you are called to run the race set for you!  If you look to what others are doing and compare, you are judging, you are comparing yourself to others and coming up short.  This is not God's best for you.  God has plans for you and your family that no one else can walk out.  Trust Him, listen, and take a step in that direction, you will never regret it!

I never would have imagined

Do you remember where you were a year ago?  I do, though my days might be slightly off.  We were in the middle of traveling down to Mexico for our first family mission trip.  The 35 hours of driving were coming to an end and we were getting ready to cross the border into the Mexican Baja.  It was a trip that forever shifted our view.  Did we ever imagine that a year later, we would be again preparing for a mission trip, but this time for 2 years in Africa?

Sometimes, we can see the road ahead quite clearly (like driving to Moose Jaw on a clear day). Somewhere just above the horizon, the destination is waiting for you.  In other stages of life, you can barely see a few meters in front of you.  This was the highway close to midnight on Monday, as Nathan and I drove home from Calgary.  Dense fog engulfed the roads and the lights only illuminated a small area in front of the van. Stopping was not an option, so we kept going, confident that the road in front of us would take us where we needed to be.  In some areas, the fog would lift, giving us a breather from the intensity of driving in what felt like a wool blanket.  While I was aware and alert, I wasn't stressed (a huge answer to prayer for someone who doesn't like driving at night . . .at all).

Oh how this has paralleled our journey!  When we were getting ready for Mexico, that was a clear next step in our life.  We had spent years praying for and planning this trip, knowing that it would somehow challenge and change our family.  Before, during and after our November 2013 mission, there was no doubt we were exactly where we were to be.  After Christmas, however, the path became a little unclear, yet over the next few months, God continued to direct our paths, taking us on a journey we never imagined!

I distinctly remember one night in January where Kim was so upset and discouraged about his business.  For years, he had a dream of growing the eavestroughing business to support more than just our family.  Business was slow, competition fierce and there were just not the right employees who had a heart for doing a job well.  Now, not even a year later, the business has 4 men, jobs booked well into the year (thanks to the multiple hail storms) and Kim is experiencing the joy of training up some great successors.  Who would have anticipated this?

Only God knows how our life is mapped out.  We see the immediate and wonder what is around the next bend and often question whether God really knows what He is doing.  Trust me, He does!  The road you are on right now is not going to be road you stay on--when you surrender to letting God take the driver's seat.

              We can make our plans,

    but the Lord determines our steps.

Proverbs 16:9

A time to rest

I was told it is now 70 days until Rwanda.  Once my racing heart regained steady beating, I realized how incredibly thankful I was for this past weekend.  Yes, I am a bit sleepy today, but aside from lacking a bit of sleep, my heart is filled to overflowing with a peace and restfulness I haven't experienced for a long time.  Years ago, I watched good friends step out on a journey of faith that took them across the country.  I saw their willingness to lay down comfort and security and move their family  into a whole new world.  In the months and years that have followed, there have been joys and tears, ups and downs.  What has stood strong, though, is their steady, undeniable faith that they are exactly where God wants them.  

As the journey to Rwanda unfolded, my long-distance friend has prayed for me, encouraged me and faithfully reminded me that when God opens doors, He gives us the strength and wisdom to walk through them.  I promised her that if we were to go to Rwanda, I would visit her first.  God opened the door for both myself and my oldest to visit their family south of Ottawa this weekend.  The trip can be summed up with GOD IS GOOD!

It wasn't about earth-shattering revelation or ground-breaking fundraising, or even being "productive".  Agendas were left at home, when my son and I boarded that plane east.  The weekend was filled with laughter, long talks, great coffee (not Tim Hortons :), sharing what God has been doing, tears, and blessed friendship.  I was understood.  As I come home to a mountain of paperwork, huge "to-do" lists, and a home to pack, the enormity of what needs to be done is there, but the feeling of being overwhelmed, exhausted and drained has left.  

I am reminded of a passage in Matthew, where Jesus offers rest:

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28 NLT)

Rest is more than a gift from God, it is a need.  He set the example after creation, when God rested on the 7th day.  If God, in all His strength and glory, took time to rest (or demonstrate the need for rest), how much more should we?  Speaking from experience, I needed a time to pull away from everything and am able to come back refreshed and filled on a whole new level.  Rest is vital in order to keep moving forward.  

God has offered it to us for a reason.  It is a gift, don't be afraid to take it . . .trust me, you will not  regret it!

Reflection

The news story caught my attention--a small village in Norway that sits in darkness for 6 months out of the year.  They recently bought 4 giant mirrors and positioned them up on the mountain tops to reflect the sunlight into their village.  It was a huge risk, with great cost, but it was a success!  The village of 3000 can now enjoy sunlight.  The mirrors are control by computer so they can be adjusted to best reflect the rays of sunlight.

I've been reflecting on how God uses us, not to shine our own light, but to be a reflection of Him.  Just as the moon doesn't produce it's own light (yet shines so brightly), so should our lives be a reflection of God to those around us.  Too often we forget the we can be the only picture of God's hands and feet that people experience. 

It was recently said to me that if God truly wanted to reach Rwanda, He would do so Himself, that white people shouldn't be the ones swooping in and saving them.   True, white people shouldn't be the ones doing the "saving", (any more than black, Hispanic, Asian or  any other people group).  Our job isn't to come in and save, but it is to be a reflection of God wherever He calls us. 

The key is remembering we are to reflect, not shine in our own strength.  We need to keep ourselves reminded that our strength and light comes from God in us, not we ourselves.  Anything more or less becomes our own strength. 

Just as those mirrors need to be realigned to where the sun is shining, so we too need to adjust our perspectives, attitudes, and actions to continually be aligned with where God wants us to be.  Keep in the Word, with our thoughts and hearts fixed towards Him and He will direct us to where we need to be to be best used by Him.