Matters of the heart

I have heard it said many times to let your heart lead you, or to follow your heart . . .however, I have seen and experienced so much heartbreak when I (or someone else) chose to let their emotions guide them.  If we gauged our life on our emotions, what a tragic journey it would be.  I have to admit I don't remember many key lines from movies, but there is one that stands out to me.  It's from "Fireproof" in the context of relationships and marriage.  Here, it is said to not follow your heart, but instead, LEAD your heart. . . Do we fully comprehend how powerful our choice can be?

It's been a few weeks of intensive learning on this matter.  As circumstances have come up, we've had to choose carefully how we were going to respond instead of letting our emotions carry us.  This hasn't been easy.  Our natural bent is to let our emotions dictate how how our day will go and influence our decisions. How many times have my emotions gotten the best of me and I spent days trying to repair the damage caused by out-of-control emotions?

If our emotions can be used to hinder us, how can they be used in a positive light?  It comes back to our choice and recognizing what the Holy Spirit can do for us and embracing it fully.  We need to CHOOSE to let God in.

 But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, (Galatians 5:22 NLT)

When I apply this principle to my life right now, I will choose to count my blessings and recognize what I have, not what I lack.  When thankfulness rises up, I recognize that my circumstances (no matter what) don't have the power to dictate where my joy comes from; my stress level decreases and I find myself laughing more and worrying less.  The weight and burden of what I am facing shifts from my shoulders to God's . . .all through choosing instead of running with feelings.

It's 64 days until we fly.  Kim's knee is healing, but it is slow.  The jobs are daily being added.  I do feel overwhelmed, but I am choosing to not let that dictate my day to day living.  One step at a time, I can check off what is done, prioritize what remains, and, at the end of the day, leave the pressures and worries and choose to trust God for the rest I need.  It comes back to what I choose!

Daring to Dream

When we were first approached by our pastor about considering going overseas, our pastor reassured us that he wanted to support us in reaching our dream.  I was puzzled by that statement, because I didn't really see longer-term missions as part of my dream (though my heart was definitely drawn there).  My husband had recently started his own business and had incredible dream and vision for his business, but after nearly three years, many of those dreams seemed out of reach.

When Kim and I were interviewed, the first statement out of Dr. Hazel's mouth were, "We need someone to teach how to do the gutters (eavestrough) right in Rwanda."  As we researched, prayed and planned, more clarity of the need in Rwanda came into light.  The more we discovered, the more we were in awe of what a fit this trip seemed to be for our family--especially where my husband's passions and dreams lie.  

Even in the last few weeks, we've been challenged by incredible speakers and seeking out what God has been teaching us.  Everything points to stepping out to walk out your dreams.  What strikes me the most is that my husband--who says he hasn't dared to dream--is finding out that his dreams can be realized . . .wow, I am overwhelmed, humbled and generally in awe of what God is doing.  

It is so easy to get caught up in the day to day living that we forget to dream.  Dreaming isn't being discontent about where you are, instead, it's about setting a marker ahead of you and looking towards that point, measuring progress and moving in the right direction.  It's not about age, but outlook, it's not about present circumstances, but instead about having a hope for the future.  Again, I am reminded of Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Dreams, hope and our future come from God, the Giver of Life.  What is your dream?

Really???

Almost daily I find myself wrestling with the fact that we could really be going to Rwanda as missionaries.  My husband put it well when he said that he has a list of excuses a mile long . . .but every excuse turns into a "why not".  As I am faced with my shortcomings and failures daily, I can't help but feel that that God can't use me . . .until I take a look at the Bible.

What I love about the Word of God is the transparency and reality portrayed in each person.  The mistakes, failures and shortcomings were not glossed over.  Leaders were not portrayed as "god-like" with superhuman powers.  Instead, we see that these men and women were very human and subject to the same struggles and shortcomings we deal with day in and day out, yet God, in His great mercy, chose to use them.  Perfection was only seen in the life of Jesus, Son of God.  

When we come to God with a repentant heart, God doesn't dredge up every failure or condemn us for what we did or did not do.  Forgiveness is ours, freely given, all we need to do is ask.  Yet we tend to heap condemnation and judgement upon ourselves (and others), completely ignoring the fact that God has removed our sins far from us.  

"He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. (Psalms 103:12 NLT)"

 

I can grasp God providing for us to go to Rwanda, even taking care of the details such as house, job, flights, school, etc.  I can get excited about the possibilities, the changes and even our safety, but  I find myself struggling with the reality that God can really use ME?? 

Wow!  I am humbled, overwhelmed and in awe.  Despite my failures, God wants to use me.  Despite the many mistakes I've made, God sees potential in me, God truly has plans for our family--how incredible!

Our church has an interesting philosophy right now--no perfect people allowed.  Just in saying that, I can shake off the pressure of trying to live without mistakes.  This does not excuse bad behaviour, but instead makes room for God's grace.  It's okay if I don't always feel confident, or say and do everything right, I am allowed to be real--and the reality is I am far from perfect.  

I am starting to see that the biggest hindrance to stepping and doing what God calls us to do is us.  How many times do we dismiss what God is whispering in hearts because of our own feelings of inadequacy?  It's time to choose to stop being hindered by yesterday and step forward ready to embrace today and all God has for us.  At the same time, let's not trap others in the bog of their past, but allow them to step forward into what God has for them.  

I don't want to be my own greatest enemy.  Today, I choose to forgive myself for yesterday, let go of those regrets and trust God with my future.  I know I will make mistakes, but I am confident that God will see me through and never let me go.

Rwanda details

So,here's an update on what we know about our mission trip to Rwanda . . .the Rwandan government is wanting to see all (with the exception of one for special needs) orphanages closed by the end of 2013.  This includes the Victory Rwanda Home of Champions, located in the village of Sheli, 20 km from the capital city, Kigali.  So here is this beautiful property without a purpose . . . 

February 1, Kim and I were asked to consider a longer term mission trip to Africa.  We went through a process of praying, analyzing, and finally surrender.  At that point, we had an interview with Dr. Hazel Hill, director of Victory Churches International. She saw Rwanda as a good fit for us. The plan was to scout first and then trust God to show us if our family was to move there for a minimum of 2 years.  

Kim and I are scheduled to be in Rwanda from August 5-20.  During this time, we will connect with the assistant directors (who are local Rwandans), get to know the locals, gain a better understanding of what the current needs are, connect with other missions in the area and dream of possibilities.  We do know that there is a need for Kim to train young men to install and maintain eavstrough.  We are also looking at a sewing school, life skills training, ESL and hopefully a nursery school.  We will know more of the needs after our trip in August.

When we go, we will take suitcases full of party supplies for the kids when they have a birthday reunion and celebration in late fall.  We will also include knitted and crocheted hats for each one (boys and girls 4-18).  We would also like to bring lipstick and nail polish for the mammas who are at the home.  Whatever we can get, we will bring over.

The trip over in August will cost around $6000.  This money is to be raised by Kim and I, it is not funded by the church--though we will be having fundraisers.  At this point, we are a little over half way there with $3200 raised.  Our tickets have been purchased and 3/4's paid for.  Our next step will immunizations (June 3), they are $500 for each of us, plus the expense of our room and board in Rwanda . . .it does add up quickly to total $6000.  

Trusting God for the finances has been faith-stretching, especially with Kim not able to work with his knee injury.  It's been a good reminder that it will not be our strength or might getting us to Rwanda, but instead, it will only be by God's provision that we go.  What's amazing is our missions fund has been added to almost daily!  We've been collecting bottles, selling Epicure spices, setting up chairs and trusting God that our fundraising needs will be met.  When the groceries were left on our step over a week ago, we saw that God was taking care of our needs even before we vocalized them, and we are continuing to see this, both with our home and this mission to Africa.

After Kim and I visit Rwanda this summer, we trust that God will show us very clearly if we are to go.  If it is "yes", our next step will be selling the majority of our belongings to raise the money for tickets (my best guess is it will cost approximately $15000), raise monthly support ($1500/month, or 25 people sponsoring us at $50/month), find a renter for the house, settle the business and prepare to move 7 people to Rwanda.  While it sounds like a lot, you need to realize that only a year ago, we were planning a quick 3-week mission to Mexico . . .not anticipating all God had for us.  While we don't know for sure (we are at about 75% sure) we will be moving to Rwanda, we do know that even this journey has been a trip of a lifetime and we are thankful for the lessons already learned.

Count it all Joy

It's been a week of waiting on God.  We've had doctor, massage and physiotherapy appointments.  In the midst of that was an attempt to work, which ended painfully for Kim.  Jobs continue to come in, but it's a helpless feeling when you want to meet the customer's needs, but are physically unable to. Added to that is the lack of income, bills coming in and a looming trip to Africa.  The week has been challenging.

We are coming up to day 12 of this injury.  In some ways, not very long, but in others, painfully long.  We are faced with reality that trust is a deliberate choice, not something you say once and it's done.  There have been times where we've questioned God, wondered if this was a punishment, been frustrated and just plain depressed.  I've tried to be optimistic, but in the end, the only thing Kim and I can do is be honest with our emotions and pass the weight of this situation over to God.  We have been brought (continually) to the point where it is a deliberate surrender of how we are feeling and a choosing to trust that God will take care of us.  

Despite how things may look, we are seeing the humour.  For months, Kim has been praying for the right helper to come along side.  Well, I am asking him to stop praying for a helper, because we have so many offers to help, there's no way he could keep everyone busy!  I know I haven't laughed as often as I should, and I do tend to take things too seriously, but God has a way of bringing something in to bring out bursts of laughter.  Daily, we are seeing blessings come as we are reminded to put our trust in Him.

It feels like we are in an intense boot camp, training for whatever is to come.  Instead of shying away from this lesson and "running for the hills", I think our faith has turned a corner as we plant our feet firmly and hold on tightly to what we know.  Any reliance on our own confidence is being stripped away . . .but it is good.

So, what do we know?

-Kim's knee is stretched, not torn.  Already healing is taking place and progress is being see.

-Our needs are being met, despite the lack of income, God is providing.

-This is a minor bump in the road, not a major setback.

Proverbs 3:5-6, Jeremiah 29:11, Philippians 4:13

In all our years of walking with God, has He EVER let us down?  

So why would we worry now?

Worried about not being worried??

When I saw my husband sprawled on the ground, I knew it was something serious. He was tossing a football one moment, and next, writhing with pain on the ground, his knee injured. The rest of the evening should have viewed as chaotic, but it wasn't. Sure, my husband spent the remainder of the picnic in one position, and getting to the vehicle was a painful process, but in it all, there was a peace. Getting home was a series of misadventures, but setting up chairs was aided by friends. As the reality of the seriousness of Kim's knee sunk in, I was remarkably calm. We anticipated a restless night, but sleep was peaceful for the entire family.

Sunday came and we all made it to church on time, just a bit slower than normal. Kim's knee was swollen, stiff and couldn't handle any weight or pressure--still not looking good, especially with a full work schedule in front of him. Even with the circumstances, we had a peace.

This is where I seriously started questioning myself. Was I just being naive or indifferent to our present circumstances? Was I missing something? No, I understood the gravity of what was happening, yet I was in peace. Despite the circumstances, there was a calm around me, a reassurance that I was not to worry. I was at rest.

I can honesty say that I have never experienced a peace like this before. It's been 3 months of craziness, yet in it all, I have generally not lost sleep, worried or fretted, or even wondered about our future--even though there is a measure of uncertainly. Problems, challenges and worries have come up, but just as quickly, I have been learning to surrender them to God and know that He will need to present a solution. While it hasn't been easy, it has been good. What's amazing, is we have been able to see God work in some amazing ways.

The night Kim injured his knee, instead of rushing him straight to the hospital, we got him comfortable and lingered at the picnic. Yes, he was in pain, but he was still there to connect with people. Over the course of the evening, a doctor answered his questions, crutches were provided, a brace was provided and even help for setting up chairs came. It was as though solutions were coming before we even presented our concerns.

Sunday was similar. We found ourselves surrounded by prayer and encouragement. Upon arriving home from church, 3 huge boxes of food were waiting on our front walk! Wow, how can words express our gratitude to God! We don't know what tomorrow will bring, what will happen to work this week, or what the diagnosis of Kim's knee will be, but we do know that we are not to worry about tomorrow, we are to cast our cares on God and to trust that God will continue to hold our family. He's never let us go, so why would He stop now?